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Isidora Vande
21 January 2011 @ 07:07 pm
 So I'm thiiiiis close to accepting an offer to University of East London for the fall of 2011.  My other options are Victoria University of Wellington, and the University of Auckland.  Any thoughts?  My majors would be a conjoined film studies and music culture.
Current Music: "America" - Razorlight
Isidora Vande
17 January 2011 @ 03:19 pm
Please, I need some advice on this matter...  I want to tell my mom that I'm bisexual, but I don't know how to do it or how she'll react.  My sister would hate me for it.  And its like, a 70/30 split.  Is that possible?  Like, I'm into guys more, but I'm attracted to some females as well...  I'm a lot more discerning regarding the females that I would be into, and I'd prefer a guy any day of the week... But that being said, I'm not totally closed to the idea of snogging chicks, y'know?  I'm into that as well, given the right person.  Does this even make me bisexual?  Or is that just normal and I'm totally straight?  I guess unless I'm actually dating a girl then I wouldn't HAVE to tell anyone anyway...  But I feel like I want to because it's annoying the heck out of me to feel like I'm hiding a part of myself.  It's causing me to feel a lot of shame and secrecy because I feel like there's this desire and part of me that I have to keep hidden.  What do I do?  I have no one to talk to about this, so if anyone reads this and could find it in their hearts to help, I would be so overwhelmingly grateful.  Please.
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: "California" - Rufus Wainwright
Isidora Vande
10 October 2010 @ 11:13 pm
I feel like I'm walking through life and no one sees me. And that's okay, because I don't really see anyone either. I can't. 'S a bit like being a zombie, I suppose, but I have every damn right in the world to disconnect from all people and situations. I'm cold. Emotionally cold. I know I'm cold. I hate that about myself, but I don't know another way to be.

How am I supposed to trust anyone in this world? How am I supposed to love? Not love as in "love your fellow human being." I can do that... No, I mean, how can I really let me guard down with anyone. How am I supposed to believe that anyone could ever care about me?

I'm sure that I appear really hard on the outside... Tough, stand offish, angry even. I'm not. Well, I guess the truth is that I am these things, but only in part, and only because I'm a broken ghost of a human being.

See, people truly don't know what it's like to have tragedy happen, and then just blindly continue to happen. Either we have some terrible curse upon our family which is unbeknownst to us, or I simply have the world's shittiest luck. I think I can actually feel the Devil plotting in my life. I know that Satan exists just as I know that God exists, and I know that God will deliver my soul. I certainly don't deserve it, but I have faith that His sacrifice and grace is more than enough for me. But I digress.

The point is, while I am here on this earth, I feel like a voodoo doll that the Devil is continually sticking pins into. Our family jokes about our perpetual dark cloud, but the jokes are really more jarring and stinging, and, incidentally true to life, than comedy ought to be.

But that's just it. People THINK they're seen it all, they THINK they've been through a lot. And it pisses me off because most times... They haven't!! They wouldn't know true devastation, they wouldn't know the kind of pain that physically gnaws at your chest, refusing to let up even as you try to sleep in peace. I know that. Of the very few things that I believe I can be certain of in this world, of the few things that I feel I can trust as real and honest, pain is perhaps the strongest of these.

And I swear, I'm not a terrible person, although I know that I sound like one based on this rant. I hold the door open for people. I ask others about their lives, listen carefully, and really care about making them feel like what they have to say is important. I want to do good things in the world, I want to do volunteer work. I've already helped set up many fund raisers and aided in creating businesses that help people. It's not that I have no human feeling whatsoever.

I just wish I felt like I knew someone other than my family who could say that they understand. But I don't want people to say that, either, because they don't... I've been told by several people- intelligent, professional people, no less- that I would be unable to write a book about my life on the sole basis that no one would believe it. That's just it, I'm 18 years old and already my life has been deemed completely not believable because of the vast array of sorrows which have befallen us. It would just seem like a contrived bunch of lies. But it's not.

On an entirely different note, but also on my mind tonight... I have to decide which colleges are worth my time and which aren't. I think I'm definitely applying to:
U of NSW, Fordham, WFU, VU of W, EMEC, and SUNY New Paltz. Maybe La Trobe as well, but not sure. My goal for tomorrow will be to get the appropriate papers out to my school so that they can get the appropriate papers to the aforementioned universities.
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: "Gimme What You Got" by Don Henley
Isidora Vande
06 October 2010 @ 10:18 pm
Myspace Survey...Tell All!
Created by jimmysgrl and taken 633911 times on Bzoink
Name:: Isidora
Nicknames:: Is, Issi
Birthplace:: Phoenix, AZ
Current Location:: Nevaduh
Hair Color:: Auburn
Eye Color:: Hazel
Height:: 5'4
Weight:: Somewhere between 105 and 110... depending on the day.
Tatoos?:: Not my thing.
Piercings?:: Also not my thing.
Overused Phrase:: damn.
Bedtime:: Pfft, later than it should be.
Best Physical Feature:: meh, ask someone else, I don't know.
Most Embarassing Moment:: Are you kidding? I AM a walking embarassing moment.
Most Missed Memory:: Being happy.
First Thought When You Wake Up:: Is it light out yet?
Weakness:: Cute guys, good music, dark chocolate...
Best Friends:: Anyone who is chill and appreciates what they have
Goal For The Year::
Greatest Fears::
--This Or That--
Pepsi or Coke...: I hate drinks that fizz....
McDonalds or Burger King...: Prefer local burger joints.
Hot Tea or Ice Tea...: Hot!
Chocolate or Vanilla...: Chocolate
Water or Milk...: Water
Coffee or Hot Chocolate...: Hot Cocoa
Hugs or Kisses...: Both, please.
Cats or Dogs...: Kitties.
Summer or Winter...: Summer
Scary Movies or Romantic Comedies...: Scary, because I'm often disappointed by the lack of comedy in "romantic comedies"... C'mon, make me laugh dammit!
Love or Money...: Love, of course.
Green Grapes or Purple Grapes...: Purple.
Perferred Eye Color:: Brown or Blue.
Perferred Hair Color:: Dark brown or dirty blonde.
Short Hair or Long Hair...: long-ish. Not, like, hippy hair... but something to run my fingers through.
Perferred Height:: Between 5'10 and 6'3, but I'm flexible on this.
Perferred Weight:: Skinniness is definitely a turn on for me.
Looks or Personality...: Personality, always. Doesn't matter who you are, looks will eventually fade
Hot or Cute...: Cute... I'm into the kind of guy who could be described as 'adorable' in an 'awwww' kind of way.
Skinny...Muscular...or Fat...: Like I said, I prefer skinny dudes.
Number:: 2
Food:: Escargot, Chocolate, Oatmeal, Curry. Not together... ha!
Type of Music:: Rock-Novelty-Classic Rock-Alternative? Idk, I listen to an extreme mix, but I could survive with just David Bowie, Flight of the COnchords, and Barenaked Ladies on my ipod... So you be the judge.
Candy:: Chocolate... I like straight dark chocolate. And lots of it.
Color:: Green
Animal:: Chinchillas
Drink:: Organic Lemon Ginger Green Tea
Body Part on the Opposite Sex:: Crow's feet... You know, those cute little laugh lines around the eyes. They do me in every time!
Movie:: The Labyrinth
Past Time:: mmm... Reading slash fiction *hides under desk embarassedly* lol
--Have You Ever--
Drank?: No
Smoked?: No
Been Beaten Up?: No
Bullied Someone?: No
Skinny Dipped?: Yes
Played Spin The Bottle or 7 Minutes In Heaven?: No
Toliet Papered Someones House?: No
Played Poker W/ Money?: No
Gone Swimming In A White T-Shirt?: No
Been Tickled So Bad That You Cried?: Yes
Been Tickled So Bad That You Couldnt Talk?: Yes
Like Someone And Not Tell Them How You Felt?: Yes
Went Camping?: No
Used The Restroom On A Tree?: No
Walked In The Rain W/out An Umbrella?: Yes, too often.
Danced In The Rain?: No
Told A Joke And Nobody Thought It was Funny?: Yes
Been On Stage?: Yes
Worn Clothes Your Mom Didnt Approve Of?: No
Been To A Nude Beach?: No
Cursed In Church?: Yes
Burnt Yourself?: Yes
Been Dumped?: Yes
Dumped Someone?: Yes
Been In Love?: No
Been Hit On Someone To Old?: uh, this q is worded incorrectly... but no, I like older men.
Wanted To Be A Model?: Yes (I know, the world's first geeks 5'4 model lol)
Wanted To Be In The Olmpics?: Yes (for basketball... again, 5'4 kind of kills it)
Bought Lottery Tickets?: No
Made Out In A Car?: Yes
Cried During A Movie?: Yes
Wanted Something You Couldnt Have?: Yes
Made Love On The Beach?: No
Shoplifted?: No
Seen Someone Shoplift?: No
Hung Up On Someone?: Yes
Yelled At Your Pet?: Yes
Gotten Seasick?: Every time I'm at sea.
Stalked Someone?: No
Had A Stalker?: No
Played A Prank On Someone And Scared Them?: Yes
Been Embarrassed By Someone In Your Family?: Yes
Felt Bad About Eating Meat?: Yes
Protested?: No
Been To An Island?: Yes
Ate Cuz You Had Nothing Better To Do?: Probably?
Screamed In A Library?: No
Made Out W/ A Stranger?: No
Made Out W/ Someone Who Wasnt Single?: No
Wished A Part Of You Was Different?: Yes
Talked To A Complete Stranger?: Yes
Been Sunburned So Bad You Blistered?: No
Kicked A Guy In The Nuts?: No
Threw Up In School?: Yes
Recieved A Love Letter That Wasnt Signed?: No
Wore Something You Hated?: Yes
Wore Something To Match Someone?: Yes
Been To A Luau?: No
Cursed Infront Of Your Parents?: All the time.
Been On TV?: No
Been Outta The Country?: Yes
Been Honked At While Walking Down The Sidewalk?: Yes
Won A Pool Game?: Several. I'll kick anyone's ass.
Went To A Party Where You Were The Only Sober One?: Yes
Dieted?: Yes
Had An Eating Disorder?: Yes, but I'm not proud of it... And I'm recovered now.
Cheated On Your Other?: No
Been Cheated On?: Yes
Been Paid To Date Someone?: No
Dated Someone That Was Paid or Dared To Date You?: No
Tanned Topless?: No
Been Strip Searched?: No
Been On A Plane?: Yes
Been On A Cruise?: Yes
Been Pantsed In Public?: No
Thrown Your Shoe At Someone?: No
Sung In The Shower?: Who doesn't?!
Bought Something Way To Expensive?: No, if anything, I'm the world's biggest cheapskate.
Done Something Stupid And Laughed At Yourself?: Yes
Been Walked In On While You Were Dressing?: Yes
Been Walked In On While Showering?: Yes
Ran Out Of A Movie Theater Cuz You Got Scared?: No
Been Kicked Out Of A Mall/ Store?: No
Been Kicked Out Of A GoCart Place Cuz You Wrecked The Go Cart?: No
Been In Detention?: No way
Feel Off A Roof?: No
Pretended You Were Scared So You Could Cuddle W/ Someone?: Yes
Been In A Wreck?: Yes-ish... Long story involving bowling and tupperware parties.
Wrecked So You Wouldnt Hit An Animal?: No
Made Yourself Puck So You Wouldnt Have To Go To School?: No
Threatened Someone W/ A Water Gun?: No
Been Shot?: No
Had A Water Gun War?: Yes
Been Arrested?: No
Regret Something You Did In The Past?: Everybody does.
Country You Wanna Visit:: Oh gosh, where DON'T I want to visit?
Way You Wanna Die:: I'd rather not think about it. But sometime wayyyy far off from now.
Like Thunderstorms?: Not really.
Get Along W/ Your Parents?: Yes
R U A Health Freak?: Sometimes yes, other times absolutely no.
U Think Ur Attractive?: Not unattractive, so yes by default?
Do You Believe In Yourself?: Sure.
Wanna Get Married?: Someday.
Wanna Go To College?: Yes, for Film&Media and English double major.
Shower Daily?: Of course.
Want Kids?: Someday. Hopefully named Nathaniel Joseph and Aveline Celestyn
When Do U Wanna Lose Your Virginity?: When I get married.
Do U Hate Anyone?: I try not to... I'm a christian.
Can You Unwrap A Starburst W/ Your Tongue?: Never tried, to be honest.
Do You Think You Can Sing?: well, the acoustics in my shower are splendid.
Can You Open You Eyes Underwater?: Yes.
Eat Whatever And Not Worry?: Yeah, I'm actually fairly lucky.
Can You Whistle?: Yup
Can You Walk In High Heels?: Not like a pro, but I manage.
Do You Sleep W/ The Light On?: Not if I remember to turn it off.
Do You Like Super Spicy Foods?: Ah yes. Curries are a huge weakness of mine :)
Can You Multitask?: I like to think so.
Touch Your Nose W/ Your Tongue?: No.
Can You Fit In Your Locker?: I don't have a locker, so it's more a problem of logistics...
Do You Spit?: uh, after brushing my teeth, I suppose...
Can You Taste The Difference Between Pepsi And Coke?: yes, there is a very definite difference.
If You Could Wish 4 Anything...What Would You Wish?: I'd want my dad back.
What Kind Of Perfume Or Colone Do You Wear?: She Wood by D Squared
What Kind Of Soap Do You Use?: Mandarin scented anti-bacterial.
Would You Choose To Live Forever If You Could?: No.
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Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Not Crying by Flight of the Conchords